How to Pee in a Cup

Yes... you must. Now, let's get started, shall we?

1. Empty bladder immediately before appointment so as to have nothing left in the tank. Realize too late that you will once again need to provide a "sample". Start mentally preparing bladder to squeeze out a few drops during walk to washroom.
2. Drop empty cup on the floor and/or in sink so as to alert everyone in the vicinity what you are about to do in there.
3. Sit and hold cup awkwardly somewhere in the general area, waiting for precious few drops to emerge. Coax drops out with closed eyes and good thoughts.
4. Circle cup wildly trying to capture drops, while not being able to actually see anything as belly is obscuring view. Attempt to push belly out of the way to be able to see down there - fail.
5. Use sound to guide the pee into the cup. Curse to yourself when you hear dripping into toilet instead of cup.
6. Pee all over your hand and outside of cup. Curse some more. For added bonus, get a few drops on pants and/or floor.
7. Curse the geniuses who never invented a better way to do this. Think about inventing a pee cup with a funnel.
8. Gently, gingerly, raise cup and put on lid. Carefully!
9. Spend 5 minutes trying to clean up mess. Try not to dwell on the fact that you're holding a warm cup of your own pee.
10. If you're one of the lucky ones: hand over warm bottle to receptionist in person. Try not to make eye contact. Otherwise leave said bottle in inconspicuous place and hope it's found by the appropriate person. 

Good job, you did it. Jesus approves.

If I Had Some Time to Blog...

As a good friend often and eloquently puts it: "no time".

I often think of things I could write about... if only I had more time. Sooo many ideas floating in my head and nowhere to put them! Here's a quick list of topics I WOULD cover, if I had the time:

1. The End of an Era: when your kid stops napping (and your world comes crashing down)
2. All the crafty things I'd like to have time to do and blog about, like cute Halloween decorations, and Advent calendar ideas
3. Ten reasons why I'm NOT doing 'elf on a shelf'
4. Potty-training your headstrong toddler
5. Things to do when you have insommnia
6. The Angry Birds birthday party we did for our 5-yr-old (it was awesome!)
7. My thoughts on the Amanda Todd situation
8. Kids' lunch ideas
9. Learning how to use my camera, one poorly-taken photo at a time
10. Veggie Gardening: lessons learned by a first-timer

If I had some more time, I'd also learn about how to increase readership and get more blog members... how to spread the word about my blog... how to break into the coveted inner circle of the mommy blogger world.

Alas, for now you are all stuck with my weekly pregnancy posts and the occasional drive-by about random stuff! Although, if you have any tips for how to increase readership and/or time, please share :)

Happy Third Birthday!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my favouritest three-year-old girl in the world!

Thought I'd share ten things about The Girl as she turns the big 0-3:

1. She loves Bubble Guppies and Dora the Explorer
2. Her favourite colour is green (despite me trying to make it purple)
3. Her favourite outfit is anything with Dora on it, or her flowery dress (see pics below)
4. She is kind and generous (when she's in the mood) -- she'll offer you bites of her food, or she'll offer to get you some of your own. "You want some?"
5. She has the BEST and most infectious giggle
6. Her favourite indoor activity is putting together puzzles
7. She needs "Other Bunny" in order to sleep (one of three bunny blankets, the other two are "Bunny" and "Bun-Bun", but Other Bunny is her #1. Ironic, yes?)
8. Her hair is curly and her eyes are blue... we don't know where either of these traits came from!
9. She has a thing for mommy's shoes, especially the ones in mommy's closet with the 4" heels that mommy will probably never wear, and the strappy gold ones that were bought for Halloween one year.
10. She really, really loves her big brother, laughs at all his antics, and wants to do everything he does. (Except potty train, apparently, but who's counting.)

Finally, some pictures from her party. She had SO much fun with her three best friends, Sara, Olivia and Meghan. It was a simple little party at home, and it was perfect for this spunky little 3-year-old.

Love you, baby girl.
xo, Mommy

Ten things my kids love (and I hate)

1. Running away from me. Grocery store, daycare pickup, trying to get out the door in the morning... doesn't matter, as long as I want them to stay here and they want to be... anywhere else. Run away! Hee hee! Mom is clenching both her fists and her teeth! Wee! Run!
2. Wiggling and squirming into a pretzel shape during diaper changes. Now, this only applies to one of them, but for a 2.5-year-old she is surprisingly strong and nimble. Haha! She'll NEVER get that diaper on me! Wee!
3. Dora the freaking screaming Explorer.
4. Absurd requests as I'm leaving the room at bedtime. I can have bunny? Other bunny? NO OTHER BUNNY. Thomas Snowsuit book? Chocolate milk? A bandaid on my knee? Three more stories? One? A short one? Stand at the end of my bed with your arms in the air and sing opera until I fall asleep?
5. Making noises with food.
6. Throwing food.
7. Coordinating themselves so they are never both looking at the camera at the same time while smiling. Ready? 1... 2... 3... look away! Bwahahahaha. She took the picture. 
8. Drawing on themselves.
9. Waiting until other parents are within earshot to lose their schmidt. Bonus points if they can work in the phrase, "Owww you're hurting me!!"
10. Waiting until their Dad and I start talking to each other to NEED SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, ensuring that we will never finish another conversation for as long as we both shall live. 

Ten things that annoy me (today)

I'm in a mood... so bear with me, okay? Here are a bunch of things that are irritating me.

  1.  Close-standers. Really, the food court is not big enough that your elbow needs to be touching mine? Back the fk up, seriously.

  2.  Colleagues who try to trouble-shoot their own email issues by unplugging a bunch of wires from the back of their computer (because, yeah, that might work), and then coming to ask me to take a look at it. Why would you do that?

  3.  Any Facebook status that includes the words "Louboutin" or "Golden Globes".

  4.  While we're on Facebook statuses: any that end with "re-post if you agree!". No, I will not. Also? Those pictures that get shared with words of wisdom like "Behind Every Good Man is a Great Woman.". Really, we need pictures of these things? We can't even be bothered to copy & paste this recycled stuff? Really.

  5.  Photos of kids using the potty. I don't care how proud you are of them... I don't even really want to watch my own kid on the crapper, I certainly shouldn't have to look at yours, thankyouverymuch.

Not at all Bootylicious.

  6.  Grown women wearing anything with Hello Kitty on it, or the words "Bootylicious". Just... no.

  7.  Other moms who form their judgey parenting scorn in the form of a question: "Oh, you let her walk around carrying that bunny blanket all day?" Shut up, beotch, and yes I do. Your kid is eating his own boogers as we speak, let's talk about THAT.

  8.  Politics, Game-Day play-by-plays, anything to do with any of the  Kardashians. I don't care.

  9.  The commercials on XM radio, especially the Oprah station (yes, I listen to Oprah on XM satellite radio... what). Considering she's supposed to be all zen and stuff, the commercials on her stations have got to be the most annoying on the entire planet. You know the ones: they yell the same thing at you no less than 10 times, to make sure you get so annoyed that you repeat it ("I hate you, Service Magic!") few minutes later. Aaand... they got you.

  10.  Anyone who uses "eXpecially", "supposeBly", or "co-inky-dink". NOT words, people.

  10 1/2. PMS.