Wednesday, October 24, 2012

How to Pee in a Cup

Yes... you must. Now, let's get started, shall we?
  1. Empty bladder immediately before appointment so as to have nothing left in the tank. Realize too late that you will once again need to provide a "sample". Start mentally preparing bladder to squeeze out a few drops during walk to washroom.
  2. Drop empty cup on the floor and/or in sink so as to alert everyone in the vicinity what you are about to do in there.
  3. Sit and hold cup awkwardly somewhere in the general area, waiting for precious few drops to emerge. Coax drops out with closed eyes and good thoughts.
  4. Circle cup wildly trying to capture drops, while not being able to actually see anything as belly is obscuring view. Attempt to push belly out of the way to be able to see down there - fail.
  5. Use sound to guide the pee into the cup. Curse to yourself when you hear dripping into toilet instead of cup.
  6. Pee all over your hand and outside of cup. Curse some more. For added bonus, get a few drops on pants and/or floor.
  7. Curse the geniuses who never invented a better way to do this. Think about inventing a pee cup with a funnel.
  8. Gently, gingerly, raise cup and put on lid. Carefully!
  9. Spend 5 minutes trying to clean up mess. Try not to dwell on the fact that you're holding a warm cup of your own pee.
  10. If you're one of the lucky ones: hand over warm bottle to receptionist in person. Try not to make eye contact. Otherwise leave said bottle in inconspicuous place and hope it's found by the appropriate person. 

Jesus pee cup
Good job, you did it. Jesus approves.