My Kids' Tooth Fairy Sucks

What really terrifies me, as a parent

As a parent in today's world, there are certainly a lot of things to be scared of. Kids getting hurt, contracting an incurable disease, the threat of the ever-ubiquitous Boogeyman, the worry that kids will grow up to be ax-murderers, or worse: garage band drop-outs. All things that will keep anxious parents up at night.

But what really terrifies me is none of those things. Maybe because they are all unknowns: you have no idea if any of those really scary things will touch your family in some way.

No, what really scares me is something that I know without a shadow of a doubt will affect my kids in a profound and unpreventable way.

Unraveled

It seems that every other week or so, I let my life  u n r a v e l ...

I start staying up too late searching for random things online ("how to compost", "calico kitten names", "Skylanders birthday party" - damn you, Pinterest) and watching The Bachelorette (insert ashamed face here). I'm all tired because of not enough sleep and no exercise, so I'm getting up late. I'm rushing to get hair brushed and people dressed and out the door, I'm late for work, tired all day, not getting my sh*t done, rushing to get the kids fed and and bags packed for whatever activity (so much for simplifying), and by the time evening rolls around I'm too tired to do anything but pack lunches and grab my phone to look up that thing I was supposed to do last week.

I know what I need to do... I know how to keep the train on the track. I just... tend to let things slip every now and then. It's amazing how quickly things can go from organized - schedules written on whiteboards, birthday presents bought, laundry in a reasonable state of doneness - to a COMPLETE HOT MESS of "Oh crap the soccer stuff is wet" and "what will we feed the kids - cheese strings and crackers is a good supper, right?".

The garden has been left to completely fend for itself - I have no idea if all my hard work has been for naught because I haven't really spent much time out there. We brought two adorable kittens home and still haven't named them (soon!). We have The Boy's 7th birthday party this weekend and I've done NOTHING to prepare. The Girl has been complaining of a toothache for several days and we still don't have a dentist appointment made. The weeds in our garden beds are taking over. And on and on it goes...

U N R A V E L I N G

Time to get this train back on the damn track. It's abundantly clear to me that as The Mom, I can't just let things slip anymore. We used to have that luxury, when we had no kids, or even one little one, and could get away with snacks for supper and no laundry done. But with all these people relying on things moving in the right direction all the time, we just need to KEEP ON. Schedules written, clothes washed, things done in advance, sleep had, so The Mom can get up at the crack of dawn and get it all rolling for another day.

Even a Dum-Dum Can Grow Yum-Yums

I am proof that even someone who knows (next to) nothing about gardening and plants can grow stuff.

In fact, even someone who starts their seeds far too early, keeps them in containers too small and forgets to water them sometimes can grow decent sized plants.

IN FACT, even after trying to kill half the plants by letting them grow up to touch the lights they are under and half of them burn and whither as a result, I still have somewhat healthy-looking plants. The Yum-yum peppers - which I admit I ordered based solely on their adorable name - are doing so well that even though they got scorched, they are still producing flower buds (which I plucked off... should I have done that?). So far I am loving the yum-yums!

THIS is why I don't plant tulips!

Ahhhh spring. Finally -- the bulbs I lovingly tucked into the ground in the Fall are popping up.

Daffodils, hyacinth, crocuses...

... Tulips.

Uhm. Tulips? Right. I forgot -- tulips are like candy to deer. Frikken deer.

Note to self: don't waste time planting tulips!!

Shooooooot. Two BIG things I did wrong!

So, I fear I may have really screwed up my garden already this year (and it's only March!).


Error #1
Somehow, I think I may have gotten my dates mixed up and started my tomato and pepper plants way too early. How did this happen? I thought I had everything all planned out... I honestly don't know how I jumped the gun like this.

I started the seeds back in February... Thing is, the pepper plants are starting to flower. Now, I don't know if this is really terrible, or if it's okay. From what I remember I needed to start them 6-8 weeks before last frost... but I can't put them out until at least mid-May (and that's with row covers and such). So... yeah. I'm still 6 weeks out NOW, and I've already got crazy growing plants in my furnace room! Ack! Is all lost? Can I keep the plants going under lights until they can go outside? I'll be quite upset if I lose all these adorable yummy little plants.

Consider this a big ole HEAD SLAP from the East Coast.

doh.

Just to be safe, I've decided to start a whole new round of pepper and tomato plants indoors. Just goes to show you, you shouldn't put all of your seedlings in one basket. You never know when an entire tray of seedlings will dry out or what have you.


Error #2
This is a biggie. I used Miracle-Gro seed starter. 

On the surface this might not seem like that big of a deal... but it turns out Miracle-Gro is owned by Scotts. Scotts is the company that knowingly sold poisoned birdseed to customers for over two years... And is apparently also in bed with Monsanto doing all kinds of nasty stuff that's affecting not only the bird population but bees as well.

We all know the bees need all the help they can get, and there's been a huge decline in the bee population around the world, including colony collapse disorder, or CCD. There are many theories about why this is but one major concern is the use of pesticides and pesticide-laden seeds, many of which can be found in the birdseed and grass seed sold by Scotts and Miracle-Gro.

Long story short... I screwed up. I can't recommend the use of Miracle-Gro and I certainly won't keep using their products going forward.

Onward and upward.

"Health Check": feeling duped by food labels

I've been on a bit of a mission for the past six months or so, to cut down on the amount of artificial crap (flavour, colour, etc) that we bring into the house. I had read some articles that indicated there may be a link between artificial stuff and children's behaviour, and that the presence of colouring in particular can mimic ADD- and ADHD-like behaviour in our kids.


Years ago, when it was just us and The Boy, we used to go out of our way to buy organic, whole foods, make our own baby food, keep his diet as healthy and natural as possible. I would frequent a local organic farmer's market each week and choose fruits and veggies that were in-season and local. I'd cart these things home and mash them all up and felt good about what I was feeding him.

Somewhere along the way, I lost sight of the importance of whole, natural food. We had a couple more kids, working full time, commuting, weekends running around, etc etc... and life just got in the way. We started taking shortcuts when it came to meals and snacks.

Failing at Life: Time for a Digital Diet

As I look around my house I see a lot of things undone. Laundry in baskets... floor sticky in spots... projects started but never finished. Meals that I bought ingredients for but never made. Cupboards and counters full of things that shouldn't be there.

As a mom of three, I complain that there just isn't enough time to do everything. I can't possibly take on ONE more thing, I simply don't have time!

But... I have a confession to make. I do have time. Lots of it. Problem is I spend a LOT of time (more than I really care to admit) PLUGGED IN. I would say on an average day I spend at least 50% of my time looking at my phone, or my computer, or the TV, or some other device. It's very likely more than 50% of the time but that's just depressing to say 'out loud'.

If I have to wait in traffic for more than 10 seconds, I automatically pick up my phone. I can't sit down to nurse the baby without my phone. I will go to look something up online and suddenly it's been 45 minutes and I don't even know what I've been doing. Browsing Facebook... Pinning things I have no intention to make... checking email. Anyone who knows me knows I am never 10' from my phone at any time. Like, ever.


I feel like if my kids had to draw a picture of what their mommy looks like or what she does all day, it would look like this.

What can I say - my kids aren't very good artists. *cough*

There's no doubt that today, a huge part of our lives just IS online. Where would we all be without email, the school calendar online, instant messaging to tell someone we're running five minutes late? Have you ever felt like, 'What's the point of this?' if you forgot to bring along a camera to document and post pictures? The idea of totally disconnecting is unfathomable. You know that friend who still isn't on Facebook or can't text from their phone? Do you ever feel like they are somehow unreachable a lot of the time?

I love technology. Big puffy heart love it. But, let's be honest here.... all this time plugged in is taking a serious toll on our lives. I'm tired of seeing all the things around me that simply aren't done because I spent too much time on garbage. (Sorry but that whole Miley Cyrus thing? Pure garbage. I gained nothing from that entire thing.) Sure, that video seemed really super important and gosh darn funny a few minutes ago, but did I really need to watch it twice (or, at all) and then share with my friends, and then comment about it? Do I need to know what Katie Holmes is doing right now? Is it even remotely okay that my main source of news is via friends online?

Are our lives even remotely enriched by all the STUFF we consume in the run of a day?

I would say not. I would say quite the opposite: wasting time plugged into a device is seriously dragging us down. How many times have you stayed up WAY too late at night, when you should have been sleeping, just reading 'stuff' online? How many times have you been out with friends and half the people (likely more) around you are looking at a screen? Isn't it time we stop and look at each other? Not through a funky instragram filter... I mean really look at each other. Like, in the flesh.

Not to mention actually getting some things done... like exercise (I don't have TIME!), or preparing nice meals, or getting the house in order, or talking to your spouse. Not texting or sitting next to each other while staring at a screen... talking. To each other. While looking at each other.

Alright all this ranting has got a point. It's time for a digital diet.

We don't have to respond to every text immediately. We don't have to respond to every email, period. Facebook notifications are not a to-do list of things to get through. It's time to put down the phone for a few minutes. It's time to make technology work for us, and not the other way around.

I won't lie - I'm feeling a bit uneasy about this. I have a birthday party to plan for a week and a half from now... how will I possibly do that without browsing Pinterest every day?? How will I know if someone is trying to get a hold of me if I'm not checking my phone every 2 minutes? Sadly that's about how often I check it. Not that I need to check it -- it buzzes or bleeps every time I need to be notified (ooh! someone liked my post!...).

Regardless, it's time. Something has to change and it's going to start today. I'm allowing myself just TWO HOURS a day of screen time. Two hours. Total. For the day. Nooooo problem. I can do this. I can totally, totally do this. I'm not feeling the least bit twitchy at the thought of cutting back.

Considering I've already spent easily 3 hours looking at a screen today (ohmygod) and it's not even lunch time, I'd say I'm off to a STELLAR start. Truth be told I was going to aim for one hour a day, but The Hubs and I like to unwind at the end of the day with a TV show together (while I have my phone next to me and my laptop lit up on my lap... yep, I am that person) and I'm having a hard time thinking about giving that up. I can give up the extra screens and maybe we can even sit TOGETHER to watch the show, instead of separately. Hmmmm. I'm going to start with two hours and see where that takes me. I'm ashamed to admit that would still be a huge cutback for me.

Anyone else feel like they need to pare down their digital life and ramp up their REAL life? The one that doesn't need a charger or a wifi connection? Join me... we can do this together. Career requirements aside, would you be willing or even able to cut down your (personal) screen time to just an hour or two each day?

Also - I know you're all used to me getting back to you immediately when you text or PM or email. Just know if I don't respond, I am (probably) not in a ditch by the side of the road (MOM)... I'm just taking a break and will eventually see your message sometime later today. :)

If it seems like this post isn't ending, it's because once I finish it, I'm turning my computer off... and I'm having a hard time getting to that point. Okay, I'm going. No, really... I'm going now. For reals.

Can I just check Facebook one more time?... OKAY no I'm going.

It's Aliiiiive!

Wow. Just... Wow. What the hell happened to me? I am here... emerging from a pile of dirt and laundry and baby puke to bring you this post...

I've actually written a TON of posts in the past few months. In my head. It seems getting them actually written and posted has proven much more difficult! Instead I'll give the Coles Notes version of my life since my last update (38 weeks pregnant - whaaaat!), and eventually, someday, I will come back to write some more in-depth posts about various topics (like birth!)...

• Remember when I said I'd prefer not to give birth thankyouverymuch? Yeah, well I hit 40 weeks and waved the white flag... I.was.done. Isn't Mother Nature FAB, setting us up for birth like that? Lauren (Baby Girl) was born on Groundhog Day - at 40w 3d and a whopping 9 lb 3 oz. One word: OWIE. Beautiful, healthy, and perfect in every way, except for the lack of a neck (which we later found under several layers of chin). I will update much more on her later - I have nearly 5 months worth of poop and drool to post about! Ha!
• Winter gave way to Spring and I got to work on Garden 2.0. Being the seasoned veteran that I am, I started a ton of seedlings at just the right times, and then waited for the *perfect* time to put them all in the garden. And waited. And... Well that time never came, and I put them all out anyway, and they all died. The end. (Alright, all was not lost, but I'd be remiss if I said I didn't shed a few tears over those poor shriveled seedling carcasses. Fear not: there are a few green things out there. Garden update coming soon, I promise.)
• The Boy turned SIX. Six years old!! He's lost two teeth to date, and is barreling towards the finish line of his first year of Big School. He's still not interested in riding a bike, but has gotten reaaaally good at Mario Brothers and Skylanders. Sigh. His French is now much better than mine (not a huge feat mind you, but considering he didn't know ANY at the beginning of the year I'd say he's surpassed even my expectations).
• The Girl. What can I say - she is REALLY good at her job. Which is, of course, to torment her mother. She is spunk and joy and stubbornness and love all wrapped up and topped with a head of curls. Her newest proclamation: "If you don't let me _____ (have a freezie for supper / go to the store without pants / ride in the car without getting clicked in....etc), I will NOT LOVE YOU!". But I also get plenty of "Watch me Mommy! Watch me! Watch! Want to see my trick??" and she'll balance on one leg or twirl or jump off a huge rock and it's pure awesomeness.

And now, here we are on the first day of Summer. Life is good!! But ohh so busy. We now have THREE giggling children who just won't stop eating all our food and dirtying up the place... And lots of plans to keep us busy over the Summer. Now I really should get to one of the many baskets of laundry whispering my name... But instead I'm going back outside to make hay while the sun shines! Laundry can keep shooting me dirty looks all it wants. Ha! Take that, LAUNDRY.

How to Pee in a Cup

Yes... you must. Now, let's get started, shall we?

1. Empty bladder immediately before appointment so as to have nothing left in the tank. Realize too late that you will once again need to provide a "sample". Start mentally preparing bladder to squeeze out a few drops during walk to washroom.
2. Drop empty cup on the floor and/or in sink so as to alert everyone in the vicinity what you are about to do in there.
3. Sit and hold cup awkwardly somewhere in the general area, waiting for precious few drops to emerge. Coax drops out with closed eyes and good thoughts.
4. Circle cup wildly trying to capture drops, while not being able to actually see anything as belly is obscuring view. Attempt to push belly out of the way to be able to see down there - fail.
5. Use sound to guide the pee into the cup. Curse to yourself when you hear dripping into toilet instead of cup.
6. Pee all over your hand and outside of cup. Curse some more. For added bonus, get a few drops on pants and/or floor.
7. Curse the geniuses who never invented a better way to do this. Think about inventing a pee cup with a funnel.
8. Gently, gingerly, raise cup and put on lid. Carefully!
9. Spend 5 minutes trying to clean up mess. Try not to dwell on the fact that you're holding a warm cup of your own pee.
10. If you're one of the lucky ones: hand over warm bottle to receptionist in person. Try not to make eye contact. Otherwise leave said bottle in inconspicuous place and hope it's found by the appropriate person. 

Good job, you did it. Jesus approves.

If I Had Some Time to Blog...

As a good friend often and eloquently puts it: "no time".

I often think of things I could write about... if only I had more time. Sooo many ideas floating in my head and nowhere to put them! Here's a quick list of topics I WOULD cover, if I had the time:

1. The End of an Era: when your kid stops napping (and your world comes crashing down)
2. All the crafty things I'd like to have time to do and blog about, like cute Halloween decorations, and Advent calendar ideas
3. Ten reasons why I'm NOT doing 'elf on a shelf'
4. Potty-training your headstrong toddler
5. Things to do when you have insommnia
6. The Angry Birds birthday party we did for our 5-yr-old (it was awesome!)
7. My thoughts on the Amanda Todd situation
8. Kids' lunch ideas
9. Learning how to use my camera, one poorly-taken photo at a time
10. Veggie Gardening: lessons learned by a first-timer

If I had some more time, I'd also learn about how to increase readership and get more blog members... how to spread the word about my blog... how to break into the coveted inner circle of the mommy blogger world.

Alas, for now you are all stuck with my weekly pregnancy posts and the occasional drive-by about random stuff! Although, if you have any tips for how to increase readership and/or time, please share :)

Diary of a Real Pregnancy: Week 15 - I'm Old, and The Talk

Have I told you all that I'm of Advanced Maternal Age? In other words, in the OB world... old? Up until this point I've laughed at this notion... sure it took us a little longer to get pregnant this time, and we're doing some extra tests and scans, but besides that, 35 isn't actually OLD anymore, right?

Wrong. I am feeling every year of my 35 years. Or maybe it's just that I was hopelessly out of shape when I got pregnant. Whatever it is, I'm feeling it. A co-worker had the gall to come into the building at the same time as me the other morning, and of course since he took the stairs, I had to, too. Damn him. By the time I completed the third flight, I thought my lungs were going to implode, and my legs were on fire. Yep, 15 weeks and I'm feeling it. I was literally wheezing like a geriatric patient. This does not bode well for the rest of this pregnancy!

I feel like I should be doing something (other than eating... I've got that covered) in order to get in better shape. But when? How? What? Swimming? Haha. Maybe. But who has time? Yoga? Again. No time. I know I'd feel better if I did something, so it's something I'll need to think about. I didn't have to do anything the first two times. Damn being old.

Besides all that, this week was the week that my dear, sweet 5-year-old asked me The Question. Not THAT question (how'd it get in there?), the other one. Here's how it went.

I was on my computer (on thebump.com) and The Boy came over, asked what I was doing. I showed him the picture of what the baby looks like now and it's the size of an orange. He was fascinated, and wanted to see each week! All was fine until he asked to see week 40, and I pointed out that the baby was upside-down getting ready to come out.

Open mouth... insert foot.

He laughed and said, "Haha, the baby's FEET are going to come out of your mouth!". I laugh. Silly baby coming out upside-down. Hoping that was the end of it. (I am *terrible* at this, can you tell?)

He thinks about it a minute. Cogs turn. I think, 'Oh god.' And then... "But, HOW does the baby come out? At the hospital."

I feel myself clam up. This is NOT a big deal. WHY am I so stressed about this. I say "You know honey, it just... pops out." Yep. Totally accurate.

He says, "No but, how does it?" What I wanted to say? "Magic!"

Poof! Baby!

Okay. Fine. Fine. I'll just tell him. "Well honey the baby comes out of--" ohgod I have to say it "my... vagina." I might die, right now.

"Your... pachina? What's your pachina?" Seriously? So I say, "Honey it's like where girls pee, and stuff. You know - boys have a penis, girls have a vagina. Down there." Point in the general direction. He pulls a face and says "The baby's going to come out of your BUM???"

This is hilarious and horrific at the same time.

He looks to where I pointed. "Can I see your pachina?" I'm like, "NO you can't see my VAgina." He asks why. I say it's private. He says "But, you know me. So, it's okay. You can show me." LOL. Okay, our talk about keeping private things private except with your parents and people you trust sank in. But, omg. So I laugh and say "No, you are not seeing my vagina." Now please stop talking about my pachina!

Thank GOD he remembered why he came over to talk to me in the first place, and we went about our day without any more 'incidents'.

I swear I'll die the day either of my kids asks how it got in there. 

Previous: Week 14: Mush Brain and Baby Names
Next: Week 16: I Feel (Not) Pretty

Veggie Garden... so much to learn

Here I thought I'd plant these things, these super awesome 4' x 8' raised garden beds, and they would spring forth with veggies aplenty... enough for us to enjoy fresh-picked salads all summer. OH! How bountiful we'd be! I imagined myself dropping off our extra zucchini and cucumbers and tomatoes at neighbours' doorsteps by the bushelful.

Suffice to say, I still have a LOT to learn about how to grow vegetables. Clearly, abandoning your garden with just a bi-monthly fertilizing and automatic daily 20-minute watering doesn't result in the kinds of yeilds I'd envisioned...

Part of the problem (besides having very little time or energy for it), is the stinkin horseflies. Or deerflies. Whatever they are... I literally step outside and within 2 minutes they attack. They're relentless! I can't STAND them!!! So I run back inside with my one miniature carrot and handful of lettuce that I managed to snag before they got to me and leave the rest to whither.

Now, I will say, we have had a little bit of success, considering how much I've neglected things out there. Yesterday after a week away (and then an ensuing day of laundry), I donned my bug hat and took The Girl out to assess the situation. I was pleasantly surprised to find a handful of green beans, a few fat but stubby carrots (seriously, 2" wide but only 3" long... what the...??) and a handful of red cherry tomatoes. Yay! Only the carrots made it into the house without getting devoured by The Girl and I. The tomato plants are heavy with green fruit just waiting to mature.

I've discovered the joy of eating veggies that you've just grown in your own back yard. There's really nothing sweeter than warm, freshly picked cherry tomatoes off the vine. They were *delicious*. Like candy. It's too bad there weren't more!

But I do know there are a few things I need to do out there... I just need to find the time. I pulled a few weeds (and ended up teaching The Girl the difference between a weed and a pepper plant... a little too late...), staked a couple of errant tomato shoots, and propped the cucumber plants back up on their supports. The one zucchini plant is whithered and doesn't seem to be producing anything, I have one weirdly shaped cucumber and a single miniature pepper, and my lettuce has bolted...

More importantly, I have learned that I have much to learn about all of this. Next year... Next year will be better. I'm going to ROCK it. Salads for everyone!

Gender Bias: Turns out, I'm guilty too

I've always thought of myself as fairly progressive when it comes to gender equality. While I didn't really think about it much when my son was born for some reason, I've been acutely aware of the effect gender bias has on our decisions when it comes to my daughter. I'm not sure why I focused on it with her and not him... perhaps because there's an assumption that if you pigeon-hole your daughter as a GIRL, it's oppressive, but if you treat your son as all BOY, you're doing him a favour. Why is that? I don't know. But I digress...

In the past two-and-a-half years since The Girl was born, I've done my best to maintain a balance and present a fairly neutral 'front' when it comes to the the toys, games, and clothes we provide for her. This was fairly easy, given that a lot of the toys we had in the house were either neutral or typically "boy" toys. Now, I don't know why trucks and dinosaurs are considered BOY things, but they are. Since we already had all those things in the house, when The Girl came along and we were given all the pink and doll things, it just blended in, and she had a choice as to what to play with. I imagined her as that little freckly-faced kid in jeans and braids who we've all seen, so proud of her (blue and red and green) LEGO creation.


At certain times I do find myself getting caught up in the whole "girly girl" thing. I did kindof want to slap myself when I realized I'd played right into the marketing of pink to girls: on her first birthday, when The Girl ripped open her presents, lo and behold there was a PINK toy sorter, and a PINK school bus. Oh, dear. How did those get in there?? Okay, I found it hard to resist... I mean that pink school bus is just too cute. But, why didn't I just buy the yellow school bus? Did it being pink offer any added play value? I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with pink... It's a great colour, but am I sending a message to my daughter when I buy her a pink school bus instead of yellow? I would never have bought my son a pink school bus. (And why not?)


Despite the occasional pink toy (and a boatload of baby dolls -- The Girl happens to love them, what can I say?), I think we have a fairly good mix in our house. We try not to influence them one way or another when it comes to choices, what they want in terms of colours, clothing, toys... We offer a wide range and they decide. The Boy often chooses pink, and why not? I'd say we're doing pretty well.

Or at least, I thought so. Until I realized gender bias is underneath it all, even despite trying to be aware of it and keep my own ideas of what is "for girls" and "for boys" checked at the door. After signing the kids up for various spring activities, I was smacked down with my own bias and realized I'd sent a very clear and unintended message to my son. When he heard that his sister would be doing gymnastics every Saturday he turned to me and said, "I want to do gymnastics too! Like they do on TV!".

Oh, dear.

Well past the registration deadline at this point, with no chance to get him signed up for this semester, I had to explain to him why I had signed his sister up for gymnastics, and him for t-ball, and not the other way around.

I really don't have a good answer for him. (Mom Fail #923)

Which Mom are you?

Another holiday has passed (if you can consider Valentine's Day a 'holiday' -- any day that I still have to work is just a day with a fancy name), and once again we were subjected to the barrage of posts on Facebook and other social media sites (what 'other' sites? I don't know, just covering my bases) signifying the day.

And, I was once again reminded that as moms, we fall into one of several categories regarding our approach to these things. There are the Overachievers, the Underachievers, The Regular Moms, and what I think is a somewhat new phenomenon (or maybe I'm just now seeing it): the Overachieving Underachievers.

After reading a post on PeopleIWantToPunchInTheThroat (yes, you read that right, and she's hilarious) I had a pang of guilt -- for I, too, had pinned all kinds of wonderful things on Pinterest thinking "I could do that!", and I even did a few of them. It wasn't an over-the top holiday extravaganza by any means, but I did do a few cute things, take photos of them and post them to Facebook. Why did I do this? I wanted the accolades. There, I said it. Melting down crayons and sticking them to heart-shaped cards had nothing to do with The Girl and how much she and her classmates would love them. Let's face it: they are two years old. They had no idea. But, I knew parents and teachers would see them. I did them for me, and so I could post pictures of them. Yep. I'm resisting posting a photo of them here, right now!

Now, I know I'm not the Overachiever Mom by any means. After my recent Christmas Rant about how I suck at holidays, I came to grips with the fact that generally, I'm just trying to Keep Up. I find myself scrambling at the last minute, forgetting things altogether (those Scholastic orders? We never remember to submit them!), throwing things together in a half-baked attempt to prove I'm a worthy mom. It's not about the kids half the time... it's about how people perceive me as a mom. Wow.

So am I an Underachiever? I don't think so. There are very few legitimate Underachiever Moms. Those are the ones who really don't give a crap what happens to their kids. They are out there... but they aren't the ones reading parenting blogs, so I'm not too worried about offending them ;)

Regular Moms... that's me, and probably you too. Try their best, do what they can, try to make their kids smile sometimes, need a glass of wine every now and then, forget stuff, cry when their kids get hurt, try to make most meals balanced ones, sometimes end up with a Happy Meal. Yell sometimes, hug lots.

But then there are these Overachieving Underachievers. The ones who are trying to prove they are NOT trying too hard at all this. The ones who refuse to do anything from Pinterest and will tell you how stupid it is. The ones who seem to make it their goal to underachieve and rant about what all the other moms are doing. They are proud of their lack of parenting skills. It seems to be the hip new club that everyone's joining, and I have to say I can kind of relate. If I can't be an Overachiever, I can at least be the antithesis of one, and then point at them and laugh.

In any event, I realized I was reaching a new level of crazy when I forced my 4.5 to sit with me and work on his Valentines, and when he goofed off and wrote his name wrong on one of them and I crumpled it up in anger. Yeah, I did that, and I felt horrible about it and gave myself a Mommy Time-out. It really made me question my motivation for the things I do 'for' my kids...

If you couldn't take a photo and post it online, would you still do half the things you do? Hmmmmm.

"Must be some fire!", or - Mom Fail: Holiday Edition

As this holiday season marches on, it's becoming more and more clear to me that I am mising the plot. I am adding things to the to-do list faster than I am crossing them off, and having a hard time keeping up with all the things I'm supposed to be doing as The Mom at Christmas time.

This past weekend, Sunday morning rolled by and as we were scrambling around trying to get a few things crossed off The List, the Hubs and I heard sirens outside. Lots of them. And then we heard them again. It was strange, because this is such a quiet neighbourhood, and we both commented that it must be some fire. I shrugged, half thinking about how awful a big fire would be right before Christmas, and went back to searching on-line for LEGO that I would be paying $$$ for express shipping because I am not on the ball enough to order things in advance.

There's no bigger reminder of your shortcomings as a mom, it seems, than the holidays. Everywhere you look, there are things that you aren't doing, but Other Moms are. Experiences that Other Moms are bestowing on their children, and that your poor deprived children are missing out on. Santa photos, holiday trains, advent activities. Baking, snowflake making, carolling, general merriment. Live action nativities, various goodwill volunteer activities. Don't even get me started on all the wonderful things I'm supposed to be making 'found on Pinterest'. Meanwhile we're barely able to keep up with the laundry enough to ensure clean clothes for the family (I say 'we' because The Hubs does try to help on the laundry front. See? I can't even get that done!). My kids have never visited Santa, except at a pancake breakfast put on by their daycare, which doesn't count since I really had nothing to do with it except to show up.

In a moment of holiday guilt, I finally set aside some time to do some holiday baking with The Boy. I can't tell you how many things got spilled, dropped, or squashed. I can tell you I burnt two entire trays of carefully rolled-out and subsequently mangled angels and stockings, and there might have been some muttered swearing and outright yelling. But, there was Christmas music playing in the background! That has to count for something!

All in all I'd classify my disasterous participation in the holidays this year as Mom Fail: Holiday Edition.

Oh and that big fire? Turns out it was a Santa Drive-by, put on by the local fire department. Ohhhhh... that explains the sirens. And, doh... add that to the list of holiday events that I knew nothing about until after the fact. We were supposed to run to the end of the driveway, wave to Santa, and then run back into the house for hot chocolate.

How to all the Other Moms find out about this stuff? Is there a secret Other Mom newsletter that I am not receiving? Or, did I receive it, and it's sitting at the bottom of a pile of papers "to go through" somewhere in the house?

I'm not sure what's worse - knowing about things in advance, adding them to The List and just not doing them, or not knowing about them at all. Thankfully the kids are none the wiser - they are still too young to know about all the wonderful things they are woefully missing out on because their mom sucks at The Holidays.

Until next year, when I will be on the ball, have all our gifts ordered in November, holiday baking (with help from the kids - and my good friend Spiked Eggnog - to add to the magic) done with a smile and a song, and every event attended with joy and posted to Facebook. Next year.